Saturday, December 31, 2005
Happy New Year!
Let us all say goodbye to yesterday's baggage and open ourselves to the boundless grace of the present.
Let us welcome in another year full of endless possibilities!And whatever comes your way, remember always that life is beautiful.
Thank you all for being a part of the year that has passed.
Namaste!
This is going to be a big, big year for me.
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Monday, December 26, 2005
you ain't seen it till you've seen it
I waited two years for this!!!
The World Pyro Olympics
Ten countries coming together to show off their pyrotechnic skills! In other words, paangasan ng paputok! Trust me, you haven't seen real fireworks until you've seen this.
What I love about a great fireworks show is that every single person watching becomes a child again. There were collective "Oohs", "Aahs", "Wows", and sighs of admiration with every starburst as thousands of people allowed themselves to be dazzled and delighted. Rarely do you see people surrender themselves up so completely to an experience, with no resistance whatsoever.
We all need our occasional dose of senseless joy and indescribable beauty. It feeds our souls.
Light painting! I used this blinky thing some vendors were selling. I was trying to write my name with it. It came out pretty cool anyway.
The competition goes on till Friday, with 8 countries left to compete. I hope to catch the Philippines this year! We will dazzle them with "watusi", "kwitis", "super lolo", "judas belt", and "crying cow"! :-pch-ch-ch-changes!
Things are changing faster than ever. Everybody can feel it. A cycle is closing.
I used to think that everything I've known here would last forever. I'd live on Katipunan forever, and spend Sundays at my grandparents' house a block away for the rest of my life. My relatives would always be there. But I have no grandparents left now. Their house around the corner feels like an empty shell since they've been gone. I never thought the day would come when I would be able to count how many Sunday lunches I have left there.
I used to think that my friends would never change or move away. Now I see what a sad, sad thing that would be, if noone ever changed. Growing up with them and spending our invincible years together was a total blast. But now all the things we used to do and all the places we loved have lost their sparkle. We've been there, done that, heard our favorite bands play a million times. Now we feel that there must be a better self out there, one that we must search for.
I used to feel that this place was the whole, entire world and that I would be happy here forever. And while it's true that I will always love the Philippines, I know I need to leave. I need to grow up. I'll never grow up in this place where 30 year olds still live with their parents, where we have maids waiting on us, where we get by in life with connections, connections, connections. I love this place, but I'm tired of it. I feel like I'm curled up in a small box, unable to straighten my back or stretch my legs, and I'm just waiting for the day I can break out of it.
For the past four years, I've been blessed with a career that gave me money and influence, but I'm sick of that too. I don't want to get used to being pampered, and princessed, and placed on a pedestal. I'm tired of being a pretty decoration while never being given the chance to get my hands dirty. I'm tired of being Ala-Paredes-MYX-veejay-tv-host-commercial-model-you-know-the-daughter-of-Jim-from-APO. It's not that I'm not thankful for these things. It's just that it's too easy. How much of this did I actually work hard for?
Okay, so maybe I deserve a little more credit. I worked hard, and I tried to be the best that I could be at what I did. Whenever I had a show, or a project, I threw myself into it with passion and would never settle for less than what I thought was best. I gave my all. But still, I have it so much easier than everyone else. And if I'm going to have it so easy, I want to feel like I deserve it. I have to grow up.
I want to see what I can be in a place where nobody knows who I am. I want a level playing field. I want to know what it's like to struggle and starve without anyone running to my aid right away. I'll never know for sure if I can make it or not if someone is always holding my hand. And if I never find out for sure, I'll always be unhappy with myself and thinking "What if?".
And if I don't make it, then maybe it just means I need humbling. We all need humbling.
I love the Philippines. But I'm not settling back here until I feel like I deserve this place. It may take two years, or it may take five. It's always been all about what I can get. When I come back, it's going to be about what I can give.because everyone's doing it
The year-end survey
What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Windsurfed, sailed on a ship, and performed with a band in front of thousands of people.
Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I said I'd learn how to drive and handle my own bank accounts which I did. I also said I'd be a person worthy of love which I may have failed in horribly. There were alot of things I did that were unloving.
Did anyone close to you give birth?
Jenn Simons, my best friend of 13 years.
Did anyone close to you die?
My grandfather.
What countries did you visit?
None this year, although I did see Ilo-ilo, Negros, and Bacolod for the first time.
What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
Independence.
What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I think it was April 3. It was a wonderful Boracay afternoon with a more spectacular than usual sunset and I was with Nino.
Another was a breakthrough moment with my voice teacher, he was teaching me and I remember just opening up that day.
Then there were nights on the Greenpeace ship right in the middle of the ocean, filled with gorgeous moonlight and great company.
Then there were poetry reading sessions with my grandfather before he died.
Palawan, Davao, and Boracay.
And the Funboard Cup was pretty cool, too.
What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Conquering demons of self-doubt.
What was your biggest failure?
Not being the person that someone wanted me to be.
Did you suffer illness or injury?
The occasional cold here and there.
What was the best thing you bought?
My Powerbook.
Whose behavior merited celebration?
My sister. This was a tough year for her, but she bounced back gracefully.
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The president.
Where did most of your money go?
I don't want to know.
What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I don't really know. This year was full of unexpected things that got me excited.
What song(s) will always remind you of 2005?
"When I'm Thinking About You" by The Sundays, "Last Goodbye" by Jeff Buckley, and "Les Fleur" by Minnie Riperton/ 4Hero.
Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? -- I can't say, I just know I'm different. I'm bigger.
ii. thinner or fatter? -- Thinner :-(
iii. richer or poorer? -- Richer.
What do you wish you'd done more?
Quiet, serious thinking. Music.
What do you wish you'd done less of?
Fight. Be passive. Not listen to myself.
How many one-night stands?
Wala.
What was your favorite TV program?
I don't watch TV but I did sort of get hooked on "Desperate Housewives" for awhile.
Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I can't think of anyone I hate.
What was the best book you read?
The "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" series. Although "11 Minutes" by Paolo Coehlo was pretty good, too. And "American Gods" by Neil Gaiman was kick ass.
What was your greatest musical discovery?
Dave Matthews (yes, I know, I catch on late), Lamb, 4Hero, Jazzalicious, Squarepusher, Esthero
What did you want and get?
A band. Confidence. Being published in the newspaper.
What was your favorite film of this year?
"Corpse Bride", I guess. Although I really enjoyed "In Her Shoes".
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 22, and fed 70 people in my backyard. There was incredible food and enough wine to go around for days. Everyone had a grand time.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Nothing. All things happen for a reason.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
Still the same flip-flops with everything. Everything from classy vintage to rock n' roll.
What kept you sane?
My friends, and writing.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
MK Olsen. Ang babaw noh? I love her clothes.
What political issue stirred you the most?
GloriaGate.
Who did you miss?
My grandparents
Who was the best new person you met?
I think the new people I enjoyed talking to most with were Karl Leung, Harald, and Maan. Shannen and Brando were pretty cool, too although I haven't seen them in ages. And my voice teacher Lionel was super cool.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
1) The world is smaller than I ever thought it was, and bigger than I ever thought it was.
2) Kaya ko.
What was the nicest thing someone told you about yourself:
I was talking to my grandma’s friend at my grandpa's wake. She said that my grandma once told her that she thought I was talented and that she knew deep inside I was a person who was "all heart". :-)
On the Rainbow Warrior, I was told by someone, "You are a good spirit to have on board". Noone's ever called me a good spirit before. It's a nice thing to say to someone. :-)
And it's always touching to hear someone someone say sincerely: "I really enjoy talking to you", or "I'm glad I met you".
the most touching experience you've had this year?
Valentine's day, which I spent with all my family members, havig dinner with my grandfather. He had this big smile on his face, and that was one of the last times I ever saw him looking happy and grateful for being alive. He died a few months later and I miss him.
What did you like most about yourself this year? My bravery. I faced down alot of fears this year.
What did you hate most about yourself this year? My immaturity.
Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"I walk down the road, I look up at the sky, now I know why"- Cynthia Alexander (although I don't really know why).
Was 2005 a good year for you?
It was good for me in a sense that it taught me much.
What was your favorite moment of the year?
Lazy moments on sofas. Boracay sunsets. Rainbow Warrior week.
What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Fights. And when my grandfather was suffering so much.
Where were you when 2005 began?
Santolan
Who were you with?
Nino
Where will you be when 2005 ends?
Probably out in the street.
Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
Family.
Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
To do things that I am afraid to do. To earn as many skills as possible. To know what I want to do with my life.
What was your favorite month of 2005?
April, May, November
Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
You don't lose people because you don't own them.
Did you miss anybody in the past year?
Yes, very much.
What was your favorite record from 2005?
Lamb- Best Kept Secrets, Livro-Caetano Veloso, God Bless The Child- Mishka Adams
How many concerts did you see in 2005?
Concert going was my life.
Did you drink a lot of alchohol in 2005?
Barely.
do a lot of drugs in 2005?
No...
you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Oo, naman.
How much money did you spend in 2005?
I will know in a few days when I do accounting.
What was your proudest moment of 2005?
That one gig in 6Under. Winning that award from my high school alma mater.
What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
Two incidents involving Jet Pangan of "The Dawn".
If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
Would have talked to my grandpa more.
What are your plans for 2006?
Australia, and whatever it is that's waiting for me there.
How are you different now that the year has ended?
I'm not afraid anymore.
What are your wishes for the new year?
I hope to make more music. I hope to make many paintings and write many things. I hope to have plenty of exercise.
And I hope, hope, hope that someday, someday ... I... will... be... back... on... the... ship. For a longer time.
Bring it on, God. Bring it on.
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Friday, December 23, 2005
I miss my grandfather. I miss him anytime I sit with somebody much older and talk about what I want to do in life. I miss being spoken to by older people in that soothing, reassuring way that lets me feel that life is sweet, and bright, that I have a whole future ahead of me, and that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes, they look at me with so much hope and fondness in their eyes. Perhaps they see in me a reflection of their own youth.
I wish my grandfather had tried to live longer. I know it was his choice to die. He felt that his mission on earth had been fullfilled, and that he was no longer needed by anyone anymore. He didn't want to suffer. He wanted only to reunite with God, and my lola Alice. But it would have been nice to have a grandfather for just a little bit longer. Just a little bit longer.
I could have read to him some more, talked to him some more, held his hand, and asked him to tell me about his life. There was so much I never knew about him.
My grandfather, during his last months, discovered that this blog existed when he stumbled upon the entry I wrote about my lola Alice. Afterwards, I think he read it everyday, although he never told me. He did tell my mother that I had the gift for writing and for "capturing essence", and he lovingly printed out several copies of the entry on my lola and showed it to all his friends and all the guests who would come to visit him.
My lolo and I barely talked my whole life. But during his last months on earth, we woke up to each other. He discovered he had a grand-daughter who could write, hold good conversations, and had hopes, dreams, and questions; and I discovered I had a lolo who was intelligent, warm, humorous, and who loved poetry. We had such a short time together, but I found a permanent place in my heart for him.
I miss my lolo. If he were here, I would tell him that I'm not afraid to leave anymore. I would tell him that I (sort of) know what I want to do in my life now. I would ask him for help in making important decisions, probably the same decisions he had to make when he was young. I would show him that I was published in the newspaper yesterday. I would read poetry to him and ask him to explain each line to me, even though I already know what it means. I would make him paintings of Africa.
This will be my first Christmas in my entire life without him. Though I was close to him for so short a time, I really feel that he is absent.on a lighter note
Could not resist cam-whoring in Belfield. The lights were so pretty. Bad angle. Ick.Timothy
I have a new tooth. It just popped up today without warning. Don't know why I didn't notice it coming out. It's a little white chip, sticking out of my back gum. I discovered it when I was feeling around my mouth with my tongue after dinner. I thought it was popcorn husk at first, even though I know I haven't had any popcorn today.
So, I have a new tooth. I keep feeling it with my tongue. It's so alien to me. I need a few days alone with it to get acquainted with it. Hello, tooth. I'm Ala. You must be Tooth. I'll give you a name. Timothy.
I'm very excited about my new tooth. We can do so many things together. I can clean him, and brush him. We can go to the mall together. Now, Christmas won't be so lonely.
The next few days will be devoted to growing this tooth.
"Hey Ala, what've you been doing?"
"Oh, just growing a tooth."
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Tuesday, December 20, 2005
shutter happy
The Christmas lights in the Bellarmin Field are so pretty. Every night after mass, I can't help but go out and take a ton of pictures. Especially since I learned a few tricks on my digi-cam. I stand in the middle of the field, put the shutter on the slowest speed, snap a picture of myself, then point the camera at the lights while the shutter is still open. The results aren't spectacular but they sure are trippy :-p
Could any two sisters look any more different from each other than me and Aycs?
Playing with the light!old friends
There was a time three years ago when three college students shared a passion for rock n' roll, live music (even on weekdays and exam week), drinking impossible amounts of beer, getting wasted, then taking incriminating pictures of each other. They were young, single, and hadn't a care in the world. They called themselves "the holy trinity", even though there was nothing holy about them. (they should have been named "the unholy trinity" instead)
Here they are now, older, single, and burdened, but still sharing a passion for rock n' roll, live music, and beer. Things have changed. But some things never change. :-)
...oh, I get by with a little help from my friends...
Yes, life is tough. But friends make it all better. And I've learned that all the most important relationships in my life were forged getting wasted. (Ok, so maybe not all, only some)
I'm really grateful that all these people whom I thought had gotten too busy or distant have been magically popping up and asking to hang out, especially since I'm leaving soon.
I used to be so afraid to move to another country and leave the people I love behind, until I realized that you can't hold yourself back from growth just because you're afraid of losing people. You cannot hold people to your side out of fear.
When people love each other, it doesn't matter if you don't see them for a few days, or a few months, or two years. When people truly love each other for who they are, then you can never un-love that person. Love doesn't fade, it only changes in form. Time and distance will not make you love a person any less.
My best friends are people whom I don't see for months on end. Sometimes we drift apart and I no longer have any idea what goes on in their lives and vice-versa. Sometimes I don't even like them, find certain qualities in them silly or irritating. Sometimes I can't stand them altogether. Sometimes we fight. And sometimes, like any human being, I start doubting whether or not they are my friends.
And yet, during times of greatest joy and greatest sorrow, I find myself instinctively seeking them out. I love them even when I hate them. I would cross oceans to be with them if I knew any of them were in trouble.
When you feel like you've disconnected completely but still find each other in the end, then you know you're destined to be in each other's lives. Because when people really love and accept each other for everything they are, it's not something you can shake off just like that.i'm published!
I've been published in magazines, and have written articles for online zines. But I gotta admit, having an entire page to yourself in the the nation's most-read newspaper is quite another thing! What a thrill!
I'd rather you buy a copy of the December 21 paper, but the article is viewable here.
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Friday, December 16, 2005
Namaste
“I honor the place in you where Spirit lives
I honor the place in you which is of
Love, of Truth, of Light, of Peace,
when you are in that place in you,
and I am in that place in me,
then we are One.”
***
"The divine in me recognizes and bows to the divine in you."
These are just some of the meanings of the Indian word "Namaste". It is traditionally said while bowing with both hands clasped over the heart.
When you know the meaning of the word Namaste, you will see every single human being as all part of the same divine soul. You will see everyone, even your most hated enemies, as equally loveable, and worthy. You will begin to accord everyone with deepest respect, one sacred and eternal being paying homage to another. Because inside every human lives a spark of the divine. If you look within, you'll find love, truth, light, peace.
Every now and then, I sit down and think of all the people in my life, and I say to them in my head: "Namaste".
I think of the people who have been there for what seems like an eternity, who are so much a part of my everyday existence that I sometimes take them foregranted, and I say to them, "Namaste".
I say "Namaste" to those people who were destined to be in my life for just a short while; people whose only purpose was to breeze through, deliver a divine message, and then leave, not knowing that they changed my life forever.
I think of the people who have hurt me most deeply, the ones I find most difficult to love, the ones whom I can't ever seem to understand, and I say to them "Namaste"- for in life, they are some of my most important teachers. They are destined to teach me some of the greatest lessons I will ever learn.
I think of all the people I don't know personally but read about in the news everyday- world leaders, celebrities, victims, prisoners, soldiers- people who change the landscape of the living world, and whose lives are so publicized that they barely even seem real or human- and I say to them "Namaste". They are people, too.
And to all of you who have brought some new insight into my existence through a comment or whatever else, I say to you: Namaste.grace
You all may have noticed that I've been writing like mad, not just in this blog, but also in my own personal, hardbound journal. I think about so many things. Never in my life have I craved so much silence, so much solitude. I am most content when I am in a large, open space where I can sit, stare at the sky, and think.
I've been going to church on my own, and I never go to church unless my parents tell me. I'm not religious but I believe that I am spiritual and that I do have faith. I sit there, even when there is no mass and the place is big and empty. I pray. Not the hail-holy-Mary kind of praying. I sit there, and feel real gratitude for everything in my life, and I wish for good things, and I put my trust in The Transcendent. Sometimes I write in my journal, right there inside the church. Then I step outside, sit on a bench, and stare at the big open field, and the sky.
Christmas is different this year. For one, I'm not buying anyone any presents. I am giving people only things that I already have. For the first time, Christmas will not be a mad rush to spend money on presents that most people won't even like or appreciate. It's not going to be one party after another, before finally getting sick from exhaustion.
Christmas this year is quiet and meaningful, a time for me to appreciate and give thanks for everything that is in my life. Because everything is impermanent. And it's good to be grateful for things whil they are still there.
Today, at Simbang Gabi at the Church of the Gesu in Ateneo, I ended up writing a prayer of thanks:Thank you for all the love I have received in this life.
Thank you for enriching my life by letting me experience being loved so much by someone else.
Thank you for my friends, my spiritual brothers and sisters.
Thank you for my family, my heart and soul.
Thank you for all the people whom I often forget to take time out to appreciate, the maids, the houseboy, the driver, and the so-called "lowly people" who have taken it upon themselves to bear the burden, not just of their daily lives, but also of mine.
Thank you for making me an artist, for giving me hands to draw, a voice to sing, a heart with which to feel with, and eyes to witness the overwhelming beauty of this world, and of this life.
Teach me to be humble. Teach me to be kind. Teach me to be patient. Teach me to be healing and nurturing towards others.
Above all, teach me to give without expecting anything in return, for there lies the key to abundance.
Amen.
And speaking of Christmas, I think we Filipinos celebrate it the best way. Christmas in the Philippines is beautiful.
I took this picture outside the Church of the Gesu after simbang gabi. As I walked out of the church, a very pretty song started playing from the belltower, and I was greeted with stands selling churros and bibingka, and this:
Dozens of star-shaped lanterns hung from the trees, and the Bel Field was dripping with lights.
Maligayang Pasko sa inyong lahat!and today i promised myself i'd do something creative
I made a painting which is viewable here. (Greenpeace people will be pleased)
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Thursday, December 15, 2005
ay, t*ti!
I've lived 15 minutes away from the University of the Philippines my entire life, but today was the first time I made the treck to the steps of Palma Hall to join the masses in witnessing the biggest schlong fest of of each year: The Oblation Run!!!
Yes folks, it's that notorious time of year when the members of the Alpha Phi Omega fraternity make their traditional run through the halls of U.P. completely naked save for masks, and political protest signs. As an "Oblation Run virgin", I decided it would be my last chance before I leave the country to *ahem* lose it.
By 11 am, I was on the steps of Palma Hall waiting for my friend Char (who ditched work to just be there), and watching the crowd gather for the event. Soon Palma Hall was flooded from the inside to the street, with men, women, gays, and media people, all eager to see/ photograph the Bratwurst Brigade!
The air grew more and more electric as people huddled, giggled, made titi jokes, and prepared themselves for the action. Suddenly, an explosion of sound ripped through the air as thousands of women and gay men squealed. The moment had arrived!!!
"Ay, t*ti!!!"
There must've been twenty of them in their naked, masked glory. Twenty members of Alpha Phi Omega stood proudly at the top of the steps waving their flags, their banners, and their you-know-whats. There was pandemonium as they threw red roses, to be caught by eager crowd members who screamed as they caught them. There were so many people, all I saw were hands, signs, and roses. I tried to make my way to the front, but like fleeting apparitions, they disapeared into Palma Hall to make their run.
Determined to catch at least a glimpse of the fun run, Charlene and I threw ourselves into that living, heaving flood of humanity that filled Palma Hall. I was, after all, an "Oblation Run" virgin, and the experience wouldn't count if I didn't at least get a good photograph. There must've been 5,000 sweat-drenched people, students, camera men, and passersby like me, all eager to get a glimpse or photo of the penis parade.
The only picture I got was of this man, and I didn't even realize it until I got home (I wasn't going to blur it, but decided I didn't want angry parents of my 14-year old readers coming after me).
Mission accomplished! (and virgin no more!)
It's funny how people in the crowd act like it's their last chance in their whole entire lives to see a naked man. But that's precisely the fun of the "Oblation Run". I am an "Oblation Run" virgin no more!
Me and Char, making our way out of the battle field.
And to cap off my experience, as I squeezed my way out of Palma Hall, dazed, drenched with sweat, and looking like I just came from a political rally, I was ambushed by a news reporter with a video camera. What followed was the most shameful (or shameless) interview ever:Reporter: Maam, anong nakita niyo? (Maam, what did you see?)
Me: Wala eh, daming tao. (Nothing, there were too many people).
Reporter: Maam, what is the meaning of this experience for you?
Me: Uh...
My face went blank for a few seconds as I tried to search for something smart and socially relevant to say. Should I talk about politics, the environment, the economy?
Nah. Why pretend?
Me: Di ko alam eh. Pinapunta lang ako dito ng kaibigan ko. (I don't know. My friends just told me to go.)
Reporter: So gusto mo lang makakita ng hubad na lalaki? (So you came because you wanted to see naked men?)
Me: Oo. (Yes.)
Catch me on the news tonight, folks. It's a good thing my parents are out of the country or they'd die of shame. Hahaha!
I looked and talked like I was drunkjeepney riding through the eyes of a novice
Today, I took a jeepney home by myself for the first time. Ever. As much as I hate to sound like a sheltered princess, I am, at least when it comes to commuting. My parents allow me to travel to other countries alone and explore remote and dangerous places with total strangers, and yet, I am not allowed to get around my own metropolis alone.
Being a first-timer, I asked my friend Charlene to help me out, tell me which jeepney to take, what to do, how much to pay, how to tell the driver to stop so I can get off ("Manong, para!"), and all that jazz. She refused to accompany me saying, "Samahan sana kita, pero gusto ko gawin mo tong mag-isa (I'd go with you but I want you to do this on your own)". She was so excited she even took a picture of me boarding the jeep.
Wary but excited, I entered the jeep, handed over my 5 pesos and 50 centavos like a pro, and sat back, ready to immerse myself in the world of the jeepney.
I gazed at the people I was riding with, nursing students, old ladies, a gay man; and they stared back in that familiar way where I know they're wondering if I'm really Ala Paredes.
I looked at the tacky, neon decals of naked women reminding you to pay, the red lightbulbs, the styrofoam cup full of change on the dashboard. I so badly wanted to take pictures but didn't want to look like a gullible kolehiyala.
"Kasya pang apat!", barked the driver as he made a stop. Four people got on, handed over the money, and waited as the driver counted out exact change while simultaneously navigating the vehicle through stop-and-go traffic. He handed me a wad of bills. "Heto yung sukli ng 100!", he said and the change was passed down the row of people to it's owner.
How does one drive, while making sure every single person has paid, and gotten their change back, all at the same time?
The jeepney is a subculture on it's own. There's an unwritten rule of conduct to follow, and linggo you have to learn.
The jeepney operates on a principle of trust. As there is no appointed person to make sure you have paid jeepney fee, the driver trusts you to pay, just as you trust him to give you back exact change. There is no officiality, no ticket, no receipt.
As a passenger, you have to trust that the person you are sitting beside isn't a hold-upper/ celfone snatcher. You trust that the other people won't steal your change as it is handed down the line to you. Because there are few official jeepney stops, you have to trust that the driver will let you get off where you want to. There are no safety or security measures, no protection from possible crime or theft. You ride at your own risk.
It is a 3rd World operation in its truest form, and twisted as it may sound, it is what I both love and hate about the Philippines. We live in country where the only rules we follow are the unwritten ones. The only deals we trust are under-the-table deals. We find formality cold and suspicious. It is both despicable and wonderful.
I'm about to live in a country where formality is everything. The very idea of a jeepney there would be absurd.
I sure will miss jeepneys.romancing venus
The other day, I found myself in a small, home studio recording a track for the 2nd volume of Kooky Tuason's "Romancing Venus", a compilation of her poetry, performed in spoken word style by different women.
I came there totally unprepared, not even knowing which poem I wanted to read, or what the music was going to sound like.
Anyway... it was a great experience. I really dig the sound. The beat I chose was very jazzy-hip-hop, very Jill Scott or Jazzelicious, and I ended up not just doing spoken word but also singing and skatting (which I didn't know I could do till then). It was completely unplanned, and it all came out quite naturally. It was liberating. I'm really excited!!!
The album comes out in March just in time for Women's Month. There are other awesome women performing on it too but I don't know if I'm allowed to disclose who they are yet. Watch out for the album!
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Saturday, December 10, 2005
22
I am neither here nor there.
My room feels like a hotel room, a place where I can temporarily rest my head before I move on.
My time here is transient. I spend it almost in constant meditation.
My dreams come to me, and I feel an ache so deep that leaves me wondering whether I have really done anything to make a substantial difference. It's all been fun and games. Things have come to me so easily. Have I ever really felt what it's like to strive for something?
I feel very much like those heroes I used to read about in fairy tales, appointed to go on a perilous journey from which they cannot return from till they have slayed the dragon, found treasure, and wrestled with gods.
In 3 months time, I will set off from this place that has been my home for 22 years. I will have to come face to face with my dragons: dragons of self doubt, of immaturity, of pride and egocentricity. I will wrestle with gods, and in effect, be humbled.
I will undoubtedly lose my way, take wrong turns, and find myself in dark forests of despair. But there will be guardians, friends or mentors who will meet me along the way to show me the right path.
There will also be sightseeing, new landscapes to take in, new things to learn, the wind in my ears, the blood rushing through my veins, the wonder of being alive.
And of course, there is the great chance that I might meet danger along the way and be destroyed. But heroes in myths, when slain, are always reborn into someone better.
And as with all heroes, I am forbidden to return until I have found what it is I'm looking for, my treasure.***
I am 22, about to board a ship that will take me towards new horizons.
My sails are woven out of hopes and dreams.
The winds of fate will blow me towards my destination.
I am the captain.
Faith is my first mate.
My heart is my compass.
Love will be my anchor.
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Monday, December 05, 2005
all dogs go to heaven
My dog died today. Sh*t. I'm 22-years old but the death of a small dog can reduce me back to a bawling 7-year old.
I don't know why I feel so bad. It's not like I even paid that much attention to it. We didn't even give it a decent name until yesterday ('Quincy'), and I can count on one hand the number of times I actually sat down and really played with it.
But it was an affectionate animal, it was always happy, and always trying to run alongside me and lick my toes when I walked. It always managed to make me smile.
Maybe I feel so bad because I actually tried to save its life. It was I who called and called until I found a vet willing to come over on a Sunday night. It was I who went with the vet to buy dextrose for the dog. I was a bit annoyed about it too, grumbling about how I always seem to be the one who ends up putting in any effort for the dogs, and paying for their food, milk, and shots, regardless of whether it's my dog or my sister's, or my brother's.
Once, when my sister's dog was having birth complications, I rushed her from one vet to the next all around my area, with no car, in the rain. I don't know how that responsibility even fell to me in the first place, because it wasn't my dog. Anyway, the dog delivered a premature puppy which I also ended up in charge of, nursing it with an eyedropper. Then when the puppy died 2 days later, it was I who cried all day, and who kept bursting into tears in between taping spiels for MYX. I was still sniffly about it a week later.
I'm really not a dedicated pet owner. I'm just forced to be one, by default.
And so, when the vet called today saying that Quincy was in great pain and didn't look like she would live through parvo, the decision on whether we should put her to sleep or prolong her (pain-filled) existence somehow fell to... surprise! Me!
God. Who am I to decide these things? Who am I to know whether or not this creature should live or die? Sure, it's only a dog. But if you've ever had to make the same decision about your pet, you'll realize how powerfully ingrained the sanctity of life is in you. Our natural instinct is to fight for life. That's why it hurts to have to kill anything, even a dog. And having something succumb to death right in your own hands, especially when you've been trying to help it live, is such a kick in the gut. It's crushing defeat.
Quincy had only a 20% chance of surviving parvo. But it didn't look like she was going to make it. One look at her sick, weakened body, we knew she would die before the virus did. Before I made the final decision, I asked the opinion of people whom I felt had good moral judgement, and all signs seemed to point to yes.
Still, I couldn't help sobbing again 2 hours later as I sat on a bench in Ateneo staring at the sunset. God, what a sap I am. It's just a dog. Just a dog. I've had many others die on me before.
Quincy is now in doggy heaven. One shot was all it took. Life goes on until the next one bites the dust. Ok, no more of this. I might start crying again.wishlist
My relatives have been bugging me for my wishlist. It doesn't really matter what I get for Christmas, but I will give in to requests and post my list. To the relatives who read my blog (that's all of you), if you feel you must give me something this Christmas, here is a guide:
1) A flash drive (USB)
2) CDs of any of the following artists (no burned or pirated copies please):- Dave Matthews (I already own the live double disc with Tim Reynolds, so don't get me that)
- JR Kilat
- Gil Scott Heron
- Minnie Ripperton (I love her!)
- Jeff Buckley
- The Mars Volta
- "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" (I already have this album but it won't play anymore due to overuse. I love it so much and need a new copy)
3) A cooling pad for my Power Book (non-USB please. Just the regular kind)
4) An iSight. I'll need to webcam with my friends when I'm in Australia.
5) A digital SLR (and the list gets more expensive but I can dream, right?)
6) A really, really good massage.
7) Keyboard covers, available at the Apple Store (God, can I get any more geeky than this? I just asked for keyboard covers!!!)
8) A new pen for my Wacom Intuos 2, either the Ink Pen or the Airbrush Pen, both of which can be found here.
9) A new chip for my Magic Sing Karaoke Mic because I will be going to Australia and will need new songs to sing to keep from being lonely.
10) A wall-climbing partner.
11) But in the end, I'll be perfectly happy if you make me an mp3 CD full of music you think I'll like. The more far-out, the better.
12) You can also pick me up and take me out for hot chocolate/ wine, and talk to me all night and I'll be happy, too. :-)
Oh, and lastly I would like Adobe Illustrator (for OS X) because I don't have it yet. Geek, geek, geek!!!
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Sunday, December 04, 2005
Saturday, December 03, 2005
bongga ka, day!
Look who's Miss International 2005!
Just kidding. There's the real Miss International on the right, Precious Lara Quigaman. She was cool enough to lend me her sash even though I just met her. She's a gorgeous girl, only my age (and my height, and my weight. Haha, skinny girls rule).
We were together in a Samsung event I was hosting at the Manila Peninsula, and I was able to chat with her a bit. I've always been curious about what drives women to compete in beauty pageants, mainly because it doesn't seem like anything I would ever do. What makes women want to wear tawdry, sequined gowns, and expose themselves to potential embarrassment and scrutiny, all for a sash and a crown?
But as I talked to her, it became clear not only how this girl managed to win the crown, but also that she was made out of tough beauty queen stuff. Not only was she beautiful (and I do mean, stunning), she also knew exactly what she wanted, and how to get it.
"Was it always your dream (to be a beauty queen)?", I asked her.
"Yes", she said, unflinchingly. Wow.
Then the topic turned towards a certain Ms. International contestant in the 90s who promised the Philippines she'd bring home the crown, and when she failed to do so, never showed her face in the country again.
"That's why you should never make promises", I told her.
"Oh, but I made a promise", she replied. Double wow.
Then she turned to me.
"Have you ever thought of joining?", she asked, in all seriousness.
"Um... no, I haven't", I said, a bit taken aback.
"Why not? You should."
I didn't want to launch into an obnoxious speech on why I'm the kind of girl who'd probably be better of as a rockstar or in some other sort of loopy vocation than a beauty queen. So I said, "Because I have an American passport. I'm dual."
"Oh, that's okay. No problem with that. Then why don't you join in the States, then?"
"I don't think I have the vital stats for it", I said half-seriously. How am I suppose to fill out those bikini tops?
"It doesn't matter at all", she said knowingly. "There's padding, you know. Join, trust me." I could have sworn she winked.
Uh-huh.
She later on introduced me to a woman she came to the event with, who apparently works for "Bb. Pilipinas" (Miss Philippines).
"So why don't you join?", this woman asked.
"I'm an American."
"Dual citizenship? Kayang-kaya iyan!", she said.
"Well, I can't anyway because I'm migrating to another country in March", I said.
"The pageant is in February", she said, pinning me down with a stare. "Think about it", she said with an encouraging smile.
"Ok, I will", I said, before biting my lip and looking down.
Right.
Admittedly, there's some sort of lure to it, the naughty temptation to find out just how far you can actually make it. It's not entirely unheard of in my family. My mother was a beauty queen at one point- 2nd place, Miss Magnolia- and was just as unwilling as me but was coerced into it by her older brother who wanted part of the prize money. And when I was a little girl, I wanted so badly to join "Little Miss Philippines" because I wanted to wear a big, flouncy gown.
Since I shot up to 5 feet and 7.5 inches tall in high school, I've been asked by every single gay parlorista if I plan to join "Bb. Pilipinas". It comes with being taller than 90% of the Philippines' female population. I've even gotten an offer to be "trained" for Bb. Pilipinas, how to walk and carry myself, to which I politely said no to. No. Way.
I don't look down on people who join beauty pageants. It takes not only killer good looks, but courage, confidence, and- if you want to actually win- brains. You also have to enjoy the loads of attention and be comfortable with being an object of beauty, which to me seems like the real challenge. The only attention I'm really comfortable with is when I'm making people laugh by acting like a fool, or when I'm performing. I just cannot ever take myself seriously, and I don't like attention for attention's sake. Plus, I have bad posture, I can't walk in heels, and I feel uneasy when I look too perfect, and coifed, and made up. I wouldn't be myself if I wasn't awkward and disheveled.
Some girls are made for it, and some girls aren't.
And Precious Lara Quigaman, boy, was she born for it. Here is her winning answer to the question -"What do you say to the people of the world who have typecast filipinos as nannies?"
The answer that made her win:"I take no offence on being typecast as a nanny. But I do take offence that the educated people of the world have somehow denigrated the true sense and meaning of what a nanny is. let me tell you what she is. she is someone gives more than she takes. She is someone you trust to look after the very people most precious to you - your child, the elderly, yourself. she is the one who has made a living out of caring and loving other people. so to those who have typecasted us as nannies, thank you. it is a testament to the loving and caring culture of the Filipino people. and for that, forever proud and grateful of my roots and culture."
Magaling siya! This girl had heart.
[Edited at 8:08 pm, November 4] According to one of my commentors, her so-called "winning answer" was a hoax. There was no question and answer portion at the Miss International Pageant. There's an article on it here. Nonetheless, kudos to whoever wrote it.we will rock you!
Thursday brought me to the MTV AIDS Summit at The Fort. I've been feeling kind of down and colorless the past week, but I felt my first genuine shiver of excitement as soon as I walked into the concert grounds.
I was there to watch Nino play bass for Rockstar:INXS's Mig Ayesa along with Francis Brew of The Dawn, Junji of Radioactive Sago Project, and Wendell formerly of Barbie's Cradle.
Ok, in case you don't know who he is, he was one of the contenders in the rock reality show, Rockstar: INXS. Aside from that, he starred in the London production of "We Will Rock You", which is a musical based on the music of one of my favorite bands, Queen. Rumor has it he even got guitarist Bryan May's blessing.
Nino was talking to Mig Ayesa when I got backstage, and he shook my hand very heartily. He was very sincere and friendly guy who made it a point to know everyone's names and have genuine conversations with people. What an unbelievably nice person!
He is also an awesome singer (He sang U2's "Pride" which is what I've been tripping out on the past few days), and wore the tightest pair of pants I have ever seen on a man. Wow.
Afterwards, he invited the band into his dressing room to thank them, get to know them, and offet them a drink. I got to come along, too. Here we are in his black-fur-carpeted dressing room. I think it's a cool picture.
The band... with Penny Lane. Click the image to see the large version and here to see more pictures!rock on, Pilipinas!
And finally, last night was the NU Rock Awards, one of the most awaited yearly events of the rock community. I was honored to be a part of it this year, as I was asked to present the "Guitarist of the Year" award with Bianca, and NU's own DJ Andy. (The award went to Cynthia Alexander, by the way).
Nino was nominated for "Bassist of the Year", and as we waited backstage listening to the rundown of other bassists who were nominated, I told him:
"You're going to win!"
"Shush", he said. "You might jinx it. Besides, I'll be happy if Nathan Azarcon wins."
"No, you're going to win!", I said giddily. "I just know it!"
"I hope."
And sure enough, 5 seconds later, they called him onstage to accept his trophy for Bassist of the Year. Here is the most decent shot I got, as the bouncers wouldn't let me near the stage because I didn't have ID. Pfffft.
Bassist of the Year, Nino Avenido! It's his 2nd time to win!
Afterwards, I hugged him and said "Congrats! I knew it! I knew you'd win!"
"Really now", he said.
"Yup!", I answered. "Quark Henares (son of the owner of NU 107, and one of the heads of the event) told me beforehand."
So, you see, I really did know for real that he'd win :-p
Other highlights of the night was Junior Kilat's performance of "Ako si M16", and Radioactive Sago's spoof medley. Astig!
Me and my brother Mio at the awards! Click for more pictures!
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