Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Hi guys, busy times are up ahead, so you might be able to catch me blogging more frequently here for now:
http://buildthiswall.livejournal.com
I'll still be blogging here when I have the time, but for the next few months, it looks like I won't have as much time as I used to. In the meantime, I'd appreciate it if you made the above URL one of your frequent reads. :-)progress report
Like a headless chicken- that's how I feel sometimes. But I am happily busy.
"Happy" is not a word I used frequently since I've moved here, but I think I might start using it again. I did get a really bad case of the blues awhile back. I literally spent a couple of weeks crying non-stop. I'd cry when I'd wake up, and I'd cry myself to sleep. There were some days when I didn't even want to get out of bed, and I'd spend another lethargic day in my house, wearing the same hoodie, and pair of dirty track pants that I had been wearing for 3 days straight. I felt like I was trapped in a fishbowl.
I didn't want to write about it, at least not directly, because I knew that false sympathy, cliche advice, and anything that sounded even remotely know-it-all, simplistic, or sugar-coated would only make me feel more hopeless. I only wanted to hear from people who knew exactly what I was going through, the darkness and ugliness of it; someone who would allow me to feel angry, bitter, and depressed without making a judgement on my character. There were days when I would make no effort to even understand why I had to go through all of it, when my higher self would just give up. I didn't want to rationalize or try to see the lesson in my situation. I just wanted to be angry(,really angry), without having to justify or explain myself.
That was awhile back.
I'm ready to write a "progress report" now. This is for my friends and family, from the Philippines and all over the world, who read my blog, and worried about me for a time. I'm ready to reveal to the world that I think I may be happy, here. Maybe I'm not content, or settled, or fullfilled; but I am in high spirits and I am happy I'm here. I choose to be here. And I don't want to go home. Not yet.
I'm not ready to return to the place I just left. I'm at the crucial beginning stages of a new cycle. Take me anywhere but home. I'm in see-the-world mode. When will I get this chance again?
But I digress from my progress report. Here goes:
1) I love preparing my own food. I love waking up in the morning to cook my own breakfast, and the ritual of preparing my own healthy, balanced lunch. (I get lazy to make dinner though)
2) I never thought I'd say this, but ang sarap mag-drive dito. A big part of it can probably be owed to what I went through to be able to drive here. In Manila a license didn't really mean anything to me. There we're just so many ways to avoid driving. And heck, everyone knows you dont actually have to know how to drive to own a Philippine license. A Philippine license means that your bestfriend/ driver taught you how to operate a car roughly, and you know some of the road rules (although I went through driving school). Oh, and you might've bribed your way through the LTO, too; in which case, that "printing mistake" on your year of birth was really no mistake at all.
Here, I WORKED for this license, PAID for this license, UNLEARNED and RELEARNED for this license, HUMBLED myself, and passed my test on the first try. I'm going to exercise my right to drive as a licensed NSW P-plater. Baby, I worked real hard for this, and I passed rightfully. No bullsh*tting. Kaya masarap mag-drive dito.
3) I love my capoeira class. It's only been four sessions, but I think I will continue it once it ends. I'm the weakest in my class, I'm one of the only ones in beginner level, and I will probably never be a super spectacular capoeirista. But I love how I am challenging a side of myself that always use to cower in the face of challenge. Growing up, I was conditioned to think that I'd never be good at any sports or dance because I was sickly, weak, and uncoordinated. Well... stuff that!!!
I love how I am learning something that was once completely alien and foreign to me. I love how I have fun instead of worrying whether I look like a fool or not. And you know what? I'm really not all that bad.
4) I love my afternoon brisk walks. I have never been a briskwalker or a jogger in my entire life, so I don't know how I have come to love it here. Sometimes, I would much rather be outside running than doing anything else. Maybe it's the cold. Maybe it's the mind-blowing sunsets, and the way the sky keeps changing color. Maybe it's the way my mind clears up when I run. Maybe it's that thrilling, dizzying feeling of pushing myself to new limits. Whatever the case, I always come home happy after a run. I sleep well, and feel this wonderful ache in my legs the next day, which makes me want to run some more.
5) I love all these wonderful new people I'm meeting. I really do. I pray to God everyday to make me as kind as these people have been to me.
6) I love how I am a new person. I love geting this second chance to completely rebuild myself, and to see what I'm really all about, far away from what I was expected to be in my old life. Having nothing makes you fearless.
I still don't feel settled, but I have come to accept that I will not be settling for the next few years, and I don't want to. I don't want things to stop being new. I'm not ready to sit still in one place. I feel as if I am on a spiritual back-packing trip through life. I've got places to go, and I'm taking only the really important things with me (and I don't necessarily mean material objects).
I'm still not incredibly attached to this place and I wouldn't cry if I had to leave it. But at the very least, I am excited about being here and I may raise my family here someday. I have also come to see Australians as some of the kindest folk in the world. I don't think I have ever been in a place where everyone is as helpful, and earnest. Sure, there are things about them I still don't get, and there are things about me they don't understand, but hey, we're all different. Someday they'll learn to love my crassness. And my filthy jokes. And my irreverent humor. And my cockiness. (Someday, you'll see ;-))
Also, this land is really beautiful. God really smiled down on this country when He made it. Is is just me or is the sky here so much... bigger? Is it something to do with this hemisphere? Or are there just less billboards covering the sky?
And that concludes my first progress report.
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at 9:20 PM 33 Comments!
Thursday, July 20, 2006
gimme kids in Brajil
Just look at this beautiful, contented smile on my niece's face! She wasn't even posing.
We made salt dough sculptures today. That's her painting them after they've been baked. She's never painted before and she was so excited. So excited, in fact, that while I was mixing the paint, she started bawling and wouldn't stop for 5 minutes. Two year-olds, talaga. You make them wait 3 minutes, but to them, it's an eternity.
Here are all the little animals she made. Actually I made them, but what the heck, that doesn't matter. She made them! :-) We made 2 birds and a nest, 2 frogs, a bear, a pig, a crab, and a heart. (She later claimed that the bird was a "tu-tuy". Uh-oh.) She carried them all in a bag with her all afternoon. She was so proud.
I always have so much fun teaching my niece stuff, even if it's just bringing her to the backyard to show her worms, bugs, and dandelions. She gets so fascinated. Yesterday we spent 45 minutes in a petstore and she learned about "gimme kids" (guinea pigs), rabbits, red fishies, blue fishies, mice, and birds. She even fed one of the doggies a biscuit!
And today, I taught her how to point out Russia, Brazil, Canada, Japan, and Kazakhstan on my world map. Before today, she already knew where Australia and the Philippines was. I swear she knows! My secret is that I teach her to go by color. She knows Russia as the big yellow country. Canada is big and pink. Brazil is big and green.
This method worked, but posed some problems when I tried to teach her about Greenland. I said, "Dada, that big orange country is Greenland."She looked defiant and said, "No Awa, Brajil (Brazil) is color green".
Oh, what the heck. She's right in her own way. Smart kid.
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Tuesday, July 18, 2006
a great big Namaste
I owe you all a long entry. :-)
Last Saturday, July 15, was Alaism's 3rd anniversary so...Happy birthday, blog!!!
I remember the day I started this site (I was clowning around, mainly), and never ever did I think it would grow into what is now. With that, I'd like to thank Ate Sienna, our Pansitan webmaster, who has so generously let me use this space for about 2 years now; and of course my readers and commenters who everyday bless me with the wonderful experience of being able to dialogue with people from all walks of humanity. I have learned so much from all of you, mainly that people, no matter where they're from, all pretty much want the same things deep inside.If I can connect with strangers, then maybe we really are all alike.
When I bare my heart to the world, when I am talking in a voice that is completely honest, and insights, I find that these are the times when I seem to resonate most deeply in others. Most of my readers seem to think that I blog to "teach" people, or impose my views on the world. I never thought of it that way, to be honest. Blogging is my way of trying to understand myself. When people can relate to what I'm saying, it somehow gives more dimension to the things inside me that I cannot seem to name.
Perhaps this is why I haven't grown tired of blogging even after three years. I like to reaffirm our same-ness over and over again. Also, knowing that the simple act of expressing my insights in a very honest way can help people name their own demons never fails to remind me that even small things can make an important difference, and that we all possess this power.
Once again, thank you to all who have been part of this blog, to those who encourage me, humble me, make me laugh, fight me, hate me- Thank you, and namaste!contest winners
I received almost a hundred entries to my Alaism Anniversary Contest, where people we're made to answer the question "Why are you beautiful?".
I chose this question for a reason. When you read it, it's deceptively simple; but to most people, answering it means probing deep into what and who one is. I didn't want to make my readers answer it purely for entertainment's sake. I wanted my readers to go through a miniature journey of their own, make them think, perhaps explore a mysterious side of themselves. Most people don't stop to think about why they're beautiful. To think of oneself as beautiful is usually construed as vanity, or narcissism. But what happens when people are given permission to answer the question: "Why are you beautiful?"
Most people answered that they were beautful because they were God's creation, made in His image and likeness. It is a lovely answer, and it is definitely a reason for being beautiful, no doubt about it. I'm sure they we're sincere answers, but I enjoyed the ones that we're less "safe", the ones that didn't immediately give God all the credit. Certainly, being a creation of a beautiful God makes you unquestionably beautiful as well. But I wanted to know why you- YOU- think you're beautiful.
Many people we're uncomfortable with this question, and had never answered it before, but I was moved by their effort to try answering it; and hopefully, they will someday gain the confidence and self-love that will allow them to confidently say "I am beautiful!".
Others, at the risk of going against contest mechanics, bared their heart, soul, and life stories in several paragraphs, and even photos. I was extremely touched by these people who so willingly shared a part of themselves with me. Your stories are truly inspiring and remarkable! Thank you so much (I will try to reply individually to all of you someday, but I cannot promise anything).
Thank you also to those who wrote just to say thank you, share an insight, or give advice. I truly felt like I was connecting with people on a very honest, and real level.
If my computer screen had eyes, it would have seen a smile on my face and tears in my eyes while reading all your answers, your extra answers, your non-answers, and your completely unrelated answers. I want you to know that I slowly read every single one of your answers. Thank you to all of you for this "birthday gift".
So who won the contest? It was the toughest decision ever! I wanted to choose at least 15 people! But I broke my own rules anyway and chose 5 instead of 3.
Congratulations to Irma from East Burwood (who is actually the oldest person to join my contest at age 53), who shared her blessing with me, reminding me how blessed I am in turn.
To Aileen Estoquia who answered the question so simply and beautifully: "I just know :-)". That's the spirit!
To Jan Ayra B. Estanislao, 17 years old, who has lost alot, and made big mistakes, but is still able to hold her head up high and proclaim that she is beautiful. She just learned how to draw, too!
To Karla Eunica Carlos Ramirez, who seems to hold unwavering trust in life, no matter what it brings, and even shared with me some hard-earned life's lessons.
And finally, to Lara Jara who is beautiful, not in spite of, but because her looks defy convention. (She even sent a photo)
Please understand that it will take some time for the artwork to get to you as I am suddenly swamped with obligations and projects. But rest assured, it will. :-)the reason why i will be very busy in the months to come
Would you all like to make a difference together? Would you like to take a leap of faith on me, believe that together we can make things happen?
I have just said yes to a very special challenge, together with a friend. I invite you to walk alongside us on it.
Here is the lowdown of this project:
Who? Lucy and Ala!
What? The Greenpeace Great Wall of China Challenge
The primary goal? To raise 5,500 AUD each (11,000 AUD), half of which is due by August 25, 2006, for Greenpeace's climate change campaign activity.
The secondary goal? To trek the Great Wall of China, the only man-made structure visible from outer space, with Greenpeace China!
Read on here!!!
In the months to come, I will be blogging very actively at buildthiswall.livejournal.com. Please bookmark it, or if you have a livejournal, please add me as a friend.
Cheers to all of you, and have a good day!
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Monday, July 10, 2006
oym e loysenst droyvah, oi oi oi!
Guess who got her New South Wales provisional license last Thursday on the first try?
Me.
Muwahahaha!!! Driving tests? Pfffffft. Roundabouts? Pfffffft. Decision turns? Elementary. RTA testing officers? Boo. ;-) They're not that scary.
So, watch out, everyone, for I have earned my rightful place on NSW roads, and I am now legally allowed to tear around on the streets as long as I remain below 90, and display the red "P" plates on my vehicle.
Victory! I feel not only as if a great load has been lifted from my shoulders, but also that I may be able to actually hack this country. What a morale-booster.
Thank you, God!!! :-Din the navy! in the navy!
This afternoon was spent with Trish with whom I went museum-hopping with, in honor of her 21st birthday. We went to see the mummies and the sarcophagi in Sydney University, then decided to head off to Circular Quay to see the Museum of Contemporary Art. But on the way there, we got sidetracked by this:Isn't she a beaut?
She belongs to the Mexican navy and seems to be more of a showboat than an actual war ship. She's a mix of old-fashioned and new. Wooden lifeboats lie next to modern capsule ones, and there were nice, little old-world touches all over the boat- wooden buckets, the ship's bell, an old compass... you get it. She was open to the public and even had a photo exhibit on deck.
Oh, I love ships - not boats, but ships. I find ships special and fascinating. I'd make a pretty credible ship tour guide, too, because I know the names and functions of alot of the parts and areas. Needless to say, we ended up on that ship through the sheer force of my will, even though Trish warned me that she's prone to bouts of sea sickness.
And indeed, what better opportunity to ham it up for the camera?Yeah.
And thus, this is how Trish came to celebrate her entry into legal adulthood- living it up with some gwapo, Mexican navy sailors, with cute Latino accents! Oh, Trish, you naughty girl, you.
Actually, they were all very, very polite, and proper, and restrained, as men of uniform are wont to be. We had a crush on the guy on the right. This group of Korean girls on board had a crush on him, too, because they kept giggling.
So naturally, I had to have my picture taken with him, too. :-) I realized today that I can be quite shameless about having my picture taken next to cute, foreign men whom I know I will never ever see or hear from again. Ang landi ko talaga, haha, but hey, you only see them once.
I'm so over soccer players. Navy men are my new thing ("in the navy! in the navy!" haha). There are more photos here.
As a stark contrast to the angst of last week, this week was peachy and bright.
And so, I leave you with the smile of a genuinely happy person.
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Monday, July 03, 2006
every day, i die a little
One thing I didn't really anticipate about leaving my old life behind was that someone or something would come along and fill in all the gaps I created when I left. Not to say I didn't know perfectly well that it would happen. I just didn't anticipate how it would actually feel to be replaced. I'm not just talking about old job positions, or old roles, or old relationships. I'm also talking about objects, and places, things I used to "fill", that are now filled with other things or other people.
Remember what it felt like when you found out that your ex-boyfriend had found someone new? You were so certain you were making the right decision when you broke up with him. After all, it wasn't working out. You never really got along with each other. You were more bad than good for each other in the long run, and since the break-up, you've been happier and haven't looked back since. But the moment you see him with someone new, you remember none of this. All of it is clouded over by the dull, empty, bitter feeling of being replaced, supplanted. And suddenly, illogically, you want him back. Desperately.
I get that feeling sometimes, wanting to dash back to Manila and fill in all my old spaces. It's easy to feel that way when you have nothing. Everyday, you hear about other people building towers (or worse, occupying old towers you built), while all you've managed to build in your new life is a little pile of sand. In a panic, you grab on to what little you have left, hoping it will save you. You cling to an old identity, jealousy hold on to your past, just so you don't feel like such a nothing.
But it's futile. It's like trying to reattach a loose tooth that's been dangling from your gum by one thread. The past doesn't work for you anymore. It's gotta go. You know it. There's no other way. There's that panic when you make the leap. A moment of pain, a sad goodbye. Dying breaths. Death. Transition. Newness. Initial fear of newness. Then, lightness.
I've died so many times since I've gotten here. I die almost everyday.
Out of all my life's existential crises, this one is the worst. Not a day goes by that I don't ask questions. Why am i here? Did i not have a bright future ahead of me in Manila? Was I not earning? Did I not possess a highly coveted career? Wasn't Manila my oyster? Was I absolutely, barking mad to leave it all behind?
And yet...
Wasn't the energy of that old life beginning to expire? Wasn't I beginning to feel stuck, boxed in? Is this not my chance to make my life mine- to feel it, taste it, hold it in my hands, make my own decisions, make my own mistakes, and find things out for myself?
I don't know what's going to happen to me here, but I do know what would happen if I had stayed: my world would be smaller, and so my dreams would be smaller. I'd convince myself that dreams are unattainable, tell myself that there's nothing out there, and probably marry earlier than planned.
There are two women inside of me. One is a nester. She is nurturing, and submissive. She wants security, certainty, and basically wants to settle down. She will look no further than the tried and tested, the safe and perscribed route. Her fullfillment lies in domestic life, being a good mother and a good wife. Everybody likes her because she is proper and sensible. I've known her all my life.
The other woman is a shadow of the other. I'm only beginning to get to really get to know her, even though she's been beckoning for me to look her way for ages. I tried ignoring her at first because people said she could fill my head with all these subversive ideas. They said she was selfish and ungrateful. She made me dream too big, which seemed audacious of me. How dare I ask for more than what I already have! How dare I dream of being more. She likes to cross the lines. She won't settle for hand-me-down beliefs and wants to see things for herself. She wants to see who she is. She defies convention. She's strong, independent, and can be aggressive when she needs to. Not everybody approves of her and not everybody understands her.
But this woman desperately needs to be satisfied, needs to be listened to. I need to look her in the eye and ask her what it is she wants, because she has something important to say. It took me awhile to realize that she was a part of me, and not some demon trying to tempt me away from the straight and righteous path.
This is my chance. This is it. I'm ready to begin real life. So let me die away. Strip me to the bone if you must. Let the new me come in. At the end of it, may I attain the wholeness I seek, the meeting and melding of these two women.
I lie on my back on this cosmic ocean, looking up at constellations.
*** In response to several comments, guys, this post is NOT about breaking up with my boyfriend.of brothers
One good thing about being here is that I get to hang out with my brother more. I realized this when he was away at camp for 3 days last week, and I found that the house was insanely boring without him. During those three days, I watched Brazil versus Ghana all by myself, snacked at midnight all alone, practiced poi all by myself, distributed flyers all alone... you get the idea.
Back home in Manila, he was always with his friends, and I was always with my friends. Luckily, here he has no friends so he has no other choice but to hang out with me. He's always been my midnight snack partner, and my music partner. Here in Australia, he has also become my poi partner, my World Cup partner, and my soon-to-be capoeira partner (since he abandoned me the first time, tssssss).
He is also my partner in all sorts of kalokohan that pops into our heads at random momemnts. I don't think anybody on this planet understands my humor more than my brother does. He gets hidden jokes, subtle jokes, obvious jokes, corny jokes, weird jokes. If you knew the kind of jokes I make around my brother, you would think I was the mosty dirty-minded, crass, rude, and politcally incorrect a**hole on the planet (thank God, only my brother knows). They are the kind of jokes I could go to hell for.
Growing up with so many volatile women has made him used to most of my moods, and he knows when to leave me alone, but not in a passive agressive way. This is a skill that takes most men a lifetime to master- how to leave women alone. Take note, leaving a woman alone is not the same as walking out on her. The former is done in a spirit of acceptance, whereas the latter is usually done out of spite (read this, boyfriends).
My brother is there when I need to be a guy, a kid, or a shameless girly-girl. One minute we are romping around and punching each other like boys, the next insulting each other like kindergarteners, and the next minute, I am grossing him out by gushing about boyfriends, crushes, periods, and other womanly woes.
I boss him around, too. He doesn't mind.
Anyway, here he is.
He blogs here by the way. He is a funny writer, twisted like his older sister (i.e. moi). He cusses like a sailor and says the most offensive things. I love it.
p.s. Please answer my little survey two entries down. Thanks.
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Saturday, July 01, 2006
I just wrote a long, passionate entry which I forgot to save, and was deleted when I accidentally closed my browser window. While I am pondering whether I should attempt to recreate a sincere entry (which obviously, will no longer be as sincere afterwards), I will leave you with some special anouncements.Alaism Anniversay 2006!
It's that special time of year again! Can you guess? You can look at my July archives from 2005 for help. But I'll save you the trouble and just tell you instead.
My blog turns three years old on July 15. I can't believe I've been maintaining this thing for three years of my life, and I still don't really understand why.
Nevertheless, it's time to hold my traditional Alaism Anniversary "contest", as a way of giving back to my readers. I've spent three years talking about myself, and now I want to know about you! If you want to join (and I hope you do), here's how:
Compose an e-mail. Type:
a) Your name.
b) Your age.
c) Your location
d) Your snail mail address.
And in the subject bar, answer this question in one sentence:Why are you beautiful?;-)
Email all entries to ala_paredes@yahoo.com.
Deadline for entries is midnight, July 14, 2006, in your own timezone.
Last year, I chose five winners and sent them signed photo-prints of my artwork. Unfortunately, this year, I'll only be choosing three for budget reasons. I would choose ten winners if I could, but I have a feeling printing here is ten times more expensive than printing in the Philippines, and I haven't even begun to imagine how much it'll cost to send it. (If you live in Sydney, though, I will meet up with you personally and give it to you... to cut costs hahaha!) :-)
Or maybe I will just give out actual hand-drawn artwork to cut printing costs. Whatever, let's see what happens.in the meantime
I want to know who is reading my blog. Time to flood the comment box! Please, come into the light, show yourself, by answering the following questions:
1) What is your name?
2) Age?
3) Where are you from?
4) Have we met?
5) How long have you been reading this blog?
6) Two trains, A and B, leave their respective starting points at the same time and travel in opposite directions. They travel at constant speeds, and pass at point M. One travels at twice the speed of the other. If one of the trains leaves five minutes late and they pass at a point 2 miles from point M, what color was train A?
Thank you! In the meantime, I'm going to try and rewrite that lost entry.
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