Sunday, November 23, 2008
what-the-f*ck-ness
Though I like to operate on the assumption that people are generally good, and nice, and fair, sometimes you do get the undeniable feeling that you've been duped somehow. Though I like to think that people are open-minded and regard others in an equal and a non-discriminatory way, something just tells you that you've been set apart for all the not-nice, and incorrect reasons; reasons which can be so easily coated with a veneer of politeness and for-the-best-ness. And even if the letter of the law is followed, you're still left there not knowing what happened and going what. The. F*ck.
I've been through the hurt, now I'm going through the anger and the what-the-f*ck-ness, but that's okay because I really don't plan to be pissed off over this for very long. It was just a blip, I wasn't there long enough to seriously get attached to the work, or the people I worked with. In a week's time it'll be like nothing ever happened.
And when I got the news, I initially saw it as a blessing and heaved a sigh of relief, because I was going through a period of questioning whether I should be there at all. That sigh of relief was before the feeling-like-sh*t-ness came, of course. Because even if you want out of a job, it still hurts when you're let go, mainly because it was not your choice. You want to be the one to say, "I resign".
I will admit that I didn't really, really want this job with my heart and soul, it was just something I needed to do. It was fun, but I kept questioning how long I could go on doing it and whether I should start looking for work that was actually related to my field. But just because my heart isn't in something, it doesn't mean I don't work hard, and do my best, and take the job seriously, so I highly doubt that that was the reason why I didn't make the final team. I didn't commit any of the offences on the contract like "being of unsound mind", or "sexual harrassment" , or "theft", or "rude and offensive behavior". I went through it like a checklist. Nada. Or maybe I just wasn't cut out for it, plain and simple, (though I secretly felt I was doing better milk than the other guy.) Or they didn't like me, period. I could go down a very nasty and radical trail of thought and speculation on as to why they let me go, but let's not go there. It will start wars.
And since I seriously doubt I'll get an honest answer if I ask why they're letting me go so suddenly, I don't even care to find out why. Wham, bam, thank-you, maam, and over the phone, too, and AFTER making me come in at 7:30 in the morning for a shift that I didn't end up working because they had changed the rosters and had forgotten to tell me. They had also forgotten to tell us that they had changed their trading hours, so I was waiting for an hour outside the locked empty store waiting for word from them. They told me they wouldn't be needing my services anymore later that day (and it was the manager's husband who phoned me, mind you, not her). And apparently they made the same scheduling mistake with another employee the following day... do they not consider our time important?
But I went over there anyway, shook my boss's hand, thanked her, and wished her luck on her future ventures. And I was sincere, even though I entertained imaginings of hurling one of the outdoor cafe chairs through the store window. I could've disappeared forever, never shown my face again, but that's not my style. It didn't seem worth it to raise hell. I have lost jobs I cared more about. I have lost things that I really wanted. Everyone goes through this, and it's not supposed to feel good. It's admittedly more a case of my ego being cut than an actual loss of opportunity for me.
See how detached and intellectually I can discuss all of this now? I wasn't like this last night. I really, honestly did feel like sh*t. "Guitar Hero World" tour helped me cope a bit. Nothing like a microphone to make you feel better.
But now I know I'm not meant to be there, and it's actually good to experience this after a year of so many little, personal victories. Keeps me grounded. Can't win 'em all. And now I'll be free all summer to take on the little design jobs I have lined up for me, which I'm more excited about, anyway. Maybe it's a sign that the time has come to really commit to this direction. And that's a thought that makes me smile.
Ah, I'll eventually get over this, and be all Zen and accepting about it, but right now, I'm still feeling nasty and wish them all horrible things. Uncool, man, uncool.others' art
I always feature my art, so today, I want to feature some artwork of the many brilliant people I go to TAFE with. My course-mates inspire me everyday to do better. I love being around so many amazing people, and I love being around artists better than me. I learn so much from them.
I wish I knew what everyone else's Deviantart accounts were, but in the meantime, here are a few. I hope they don't mind the free promotion :-)
Dragon of Thorns by ~JadeAutumn on deviantART"Dragon of Thorns" by Luke Mosely. Luke loves drawing dragons, monsters, and supernatural creatures and is inspired by the work of Geiger, and pre-digital age special effects master, Ray Harryhausen.
Joker by ~nastynoser on deviantARTTatiana Davidson's rendition of Heath Ledger's joker. Tatiana is a brilliant and skilled artist who is seriously set to take the world by storm. She has her own solid style (which is anything macabre, gothic, and burton-esque, all drawn in a child-like style), yet easily adapts to other styles.
Screamix by ~CamSyko on deviantARTCam Sykes hasn't got alot in his gallery yet, but when I see his work in school, I find that he is an exquisite draughtsman, and has alot of passion and dedication to drawing.Papa Bear by ~GEEnormous on deviantARTGee Hale is mainly a manga artist, but I chose this one because it stands out completely from the rest of his body of work. There's a number of artists who draw in the style of manga but he does what he does particularly well, and is very prolific.
at 4:11 PM 
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The fact that you get to focus more on your art by losing your job is an obvious sign that something else is meant for you. AS IN super meant for you. Now that's a blessing IN THE SKIES :D
I still hope you get that iMac even after losing your job, though. :D
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I still hope you get that iMac even after losing your job, though. :D
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